Pilgrim Soul

Life Possible.

I remember what struck me the most at mass..when I saw the huge Paschal Candle being lighted. It pierced something in me..made me realize what I had been feeling these past few months- like what remains of a candle, once fully lit, eventually melting into wax; Feeling useless..nonexistent..falling into despair.

I found myself in awe, just staring at this new Paschal candle.. 

“Could I be made whole again just like that..and that the hardened parts of my being, the lukewarmness of my heart be set on fire once again?”

Resurrection.

That is the Beauty of Resurrection. - The Impossible Happening.

From nothingness to existence.

Thank You Jesus.

You oh God are merciful love. A love that stoops down to nothingness to change nothingness to fire.

Be Satisfied with Me.

 Be Satisfied with Me.

Foreword

An excerpt from the book “Take up your cross”

St. Thomas Aquinas, following St. Augustine, illustrates the reason why God does not eliminate altogether evil from this world. A wise and good ruler, he says, does not and should not eliminate altogether all evils, if y so doing he has to eliminate greater goods or benefits. Otherwise, to eliminate for instance all car accidents, it would be necessary to ban all cars altogether. No wise and good ruler would do that. Car accidents, therefore, are not willed in themselves; rather, they are merely tolerated in view of the greater benefits coming from the use of cars. God, too, does not eliminate all evils from the world in view of the greater goods which men may derive thereof.

God permits evil. For evil exists not as a component of God’s original plan, but as an intruder brought about by the unfaithfulness of the first man. By merely tolerating evil, which is a natural effect of the sin committed by man, God, our loving Father, brings about greater benefits for repentant humanity. 

Unfathomable.

 I felt a subtle joy earlier today. The words “Divine Courtship” came.  But somehow it left me in distress to become aware of how i can’t seem to fully believe in such a great love that has and always will be ready to give up a thousand lives for my sake. Lord, I believe you but help me in my unbelief. So much knowledge we accept in our minds, but doesn’t get to the heart really. It’s like i say i know this but i can’t fully taste it nor can i seem to grasp it.

And yes somehow it is like a Divine Courtship taking place. Like a lover about to show you again and again what He is all about. How much He is willing to give up for you. How much love He is ready to pour out for you.

 This ascent into God’s presence leads via the Cross-it is the ascent toward “loving to the end” (Jn 13:1), which is the real mountain of God. - Jesus of Nazareth (Pope Benedict XVI)

 And again, it takes tremendous grace to believe in such a love. Agape Love.

It reminds me again of those words, “I who chose you”.

 Do i really understand the value of being chosen?

 It is quite a hard thing to savor this when many times in the past we have experienced rejection. Even having joined various activities wherein we weren’t chosen. And others have been preferred to us.

“I who chose you”

And who is this person who chooses us?

Sometimes it is more difficult even to accept the love and attention of a person when we feel unworthy of it..

Wow…Holy Week..

It really is a time of purification..

A time to look into our lives and our hearts.

A time of healing.

A time of love.

Good thing purification is not an end in itself but a preparation.

 

Take Heart.

He mentioned that Mary Magdalene anointing Jesus’ feet with her hair was an act of courageous love.

It just dawned on me that if it takes tremendous grace to love courageously so will it also take much grace for us to receive an act of courageous love first.

In order to love greatly, we first need to have an experience of being loved greatly.

Supernatural.

It’s not easy to receive pure love. We’re so used to giving..giving to the point of giving even what already seems murky and distorted love.

But time finally comes when we feel how drained we’ve become; Out of gas, out of water.

 May we have the grace to constantly return to the posture of receiving; knowing fully well that we don’t have everything. 

May courageous love find us and penetrate the darkest areas within us.

And may we have the courage to let ourselves be loved, purely and powerfully. 

And so later on, we may do the same. 

Peace. 

Ugh.

Unfathomable how love can come from out of nowhere. How it is capable of bringing nothingness to existence.

But sometimes..we stick to what we have known, only because it is easier. More safe.

You have risked too much in the past, that you’d now rather sit on that stool facing the wall in the corner; be unharmed.

I see you and i become frightened.

Frightened by how much love is stirred in my heart and one day i may no longer have the power to contain it.

I may seem to be at peace when i’m with you, but inside, the turmoil of love goes on.

Be Satisfied with Me.

Singing Belongs to One Who Loves.

Singing belongs to one who loves.

I’ve always been captivated by this phrase from St. Augustine. I never really got to understand the meaning of it. But earlier today, i did receive the grace to grasp it.

The singer is like a lover. Who though, she has loved and ended up heartbroken in the past still does continue to love. Maybe at times, she had to seemingly stop and withdraw from audible music, but even if she did the music never stopped. It only turned into deeper sighs and inexpressible groanings, such as the pause that is as important as the note. It is necessary as well and must not be considered as failure to produce what may seem to others as a beautiful sound. So just because at times we don’t hear it, doesn’t mean we’ve lost it.

I reflected on my journey as a singer. And it’s really not been an easy one for me. And i kind of questioned singing, “Are you worth all the heartbreak and pain i’ve gone through? My having fought for you? The stress of having to pursue you while i finish my nursing course? Was it all worth it? ” The rejection, the feeling of not receiving the reciprocation that i kind of expected from it. Like loving someone but the object of your love always seemed to have left you shortchanged.

But then as the years have gone by, I learned how to love even more deeply.Beyond the physical. Beyond feeling satisfied and wanting only to receive love from it. I believe it is because of the Giver. A change in perspective happened when the Giver made me experience merciful love. He makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. The Divine singer, sings to me not because i have the means to pay for his song or because i can repay in the form of praise the beauty of his voice. Freely i have received. Freely I must give.

The deeper you grow in love, the more pure your motives become for singing and loving.

I used to sing and love only for what i can get out of it-the good feelings, the affirmation. But now that’s changed. For the real nature of love is a moving out of oneself onto others- a giving.

And so singing belongs to one who loves for it is only when we learn to love freely that we learn to freely sing.

I believe fear is what holds us back the most from loving.

And it goes the same for singing.

I’ve gone through having the fear of losing my voice, fear of being humiliated, of being rejected, of being not good enough and forgotten.

The more i held on to these fears, the more i experienced it and was held captive by it. I did lose my voice. But when grace enabled me to surrender it and be free to lose and give back what has only been shared with me, i surprisingly received it back in a deeper way. God indeed will never be outdone in Generosity.

I may have lost things or people i’ve loved but that doesn’t mean you stop loving.

We only have to pause every now and then to receive from the Eternal fount of love - water for our souls, as hydration and fresh air is needed to soothe our tired throats and lungs respectively.  And then when it is time, 

the lover in us shall be summoned again to do its thing-that is, to sing.

Singing belongs to one who loves.

Only when we’ve truly learned how to love can we truly sing.