02 2 / 2012
Numb.
(3:10 am earlier today.)There’s this thought that numbs me..how it would feel.. for a seemingly impossible thing to happen. For something you’ve given up hoping for and have stopped asking for suddenly right in front of you, yours for the receiving. For someone you have no longer believed to exist, wanting you. Turning a year older this weekend..it gets even more painful. By grace, i am more deeply in touch with the pain. I have learned how not to waste the pain. My life will never be free of it but at least now i know how to use it. I wonder how it would feel..to receive something..and realize only then that what is being given to you is what you’ve always wanted, longed for, lived for and would die even a thousand times for.
There are moments when the deepest of emotions bring me such fright. Just as someone who has been in the dark for so long a time..would suddenly feel scared of the light. Embarassed, it seeks only to hide itself from view. Yes it longs for the light but knows not how to receive it. It’s been in the shadows for so long that it knows not the experience of being gazed at and considered as beautiful. What is beauty?Maybe tomorrow this pain will lift and will forget the emotions i’ve had today.Maybe these desires will die down.
